Your Spouse Can Make Or Break Your Leadership


I consider this as one of the saddest news in the Philippines right now.

Not because of any political parties involved, but because it breaks the heart of every Filipino families.




One of our national key leaders, Comelec Chairman Bautista, is currently facing his greatest battle. His private family issues have blown out of proportion and now became a national concern.

Recently, his wife exposed his bank accounts to the public. Mrs. Bautista claimed that her husband, who is a public official, has accumulated ill-gotten wealth. Where did it come from? I do not know.

After the exposé, Mr. Bautista fired back. He told the press that his wife (and the people behind her) just wants to get money from him and impeach him from his position as the Chairman of Comelec. He also mentioned on ANC's Headstart, that his wife cheated on him as she found her "new soulmate." He added, her "estranged" wife currently sleeps in a condo. Who's with her in that condo? I do not know.

I'm sure you are updated with this story. If not, you can check this news from CNN Philippines.

If you would ask my stand, whom shall I believe between the two? I do not know.

I leave the conclusion to the court and our justice system. I leave the judgement to the people close to them. God knows everything. He knows who says the truth and not. I am continually praying for them. I am still hoping that this issue would turn into forgiveness, to the extent of reigniting the relationship and reviving their family, more than any political agenda.

But whether the allegations of the ill-gotten wealth are true or not, whether the alleged adultery is happening or not, one thing is evident.

Your spouse can make or break your leadership.

I remember, my kuya (older brother) consistently tells me during my teen age years that "There are three "make-or-break" decisions in life: your course in college, your career plan, and your spouse."

We have a lot of great leaders in our community. These are the people who are leading the nation incredibly, leading the crowd with intensive influence, and leading with a wide sphere of followers. But when we talk about their families, some of them got the lowest score.

Why? Maybe, they chose the wrong spouse.

Psychology Professor Kerry Sulkowicz found out that the spouse has the vital role in the empowerment of his/her partner's leadership. He mentioned in an article,
"No matter how good or bad a sounding board a spouse might be, a leader who is married but doesn’t have a supportive spouse can face the most trouble. Not only is he lonely at work—and I use that pronoun only because most of my CEO clients are in fact male—but lonely at home, too. That makes him more likely to reach out to others who may not have his best interests at heart, and who can exert undo and often exploitative influence."
Mr. Sulkowicz also emphasized the power of "pathological certainty" which described as the belief in the idea of "rightness and infallibility of one’s ideas and decisions."

For most leaders, decision-making is one of the most powerful movements for their career. The quality of life is based on the quality of our decisions. It is when a supportive / tag-team wife comes in the picture. As Mr. Sulkowicz narrated,
"As a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who advises CEOs and boards of directors around the world, I’ve found that more of my clients turn to their wives or husbands about critical decisions in their job than one might think. And if they don’t open up to the person they share their bed with, they’ve typically found someone to whom they can confide their secrets — whether it’s a former mentor, a close friend or a trusted adviser instead."
Based on the researchers of Cornell University (Wansink and Sobal, 2007), we make 226.7 decisions each day, on just food alone. Most of online sources say that an adult make approximately 35,000 decisions each day, while 3,000 decisions for children.

I am convinced that one of the most crucial decisions is finding a supportive wife. I can say that I am blessed because I made a right decision. I just recently got married with Monica, an NBSB unica iha. You might feel uncertain with my statement that "I made the right decision." Yes I did.


How can I say? Because from the very start, even before our wedding, we have decided to practice the best principles from our mentors who are now old but still are fully satisfied with their married life. Let me share some of these.

1) Money will never be an issue. In one of the facebook posts of Monica, she wrote: "Even before we got married, we agreed that money is one of the lousiest things to fight about and that it would never be an issue to us. In richer or in poorer, we would stick together. We own nothing for God owns everything and it's liberating that we are not entitled to anything."

2) You are teammates, not enemies. Hey! Don't compete with your partner. You can't be successful without him/her. He/She is your number one, and the best, sidekick when your power bar is at low.

3) When you disagree with each other's ideas, laugh and forgive at the end of the fight. Clashes are always happening. It will happen many times. When it strikes, condition your mind to create an ending ritual. At the end of the day, it's fun to be with your spouse. It is fun to laugh with your clashes.

4) Praise each other in public, criticize in private. Women have a sweet spot - words of affirmation. Men have the same heart-melting weakness - when his wife is proud of him. It empowers both unique leadership styles. In any way, praise your partner in public. When you see bad stuff about him/her, it would be better if you talk about it in private.

5) Grow together. Don't let anyone behind. It is good for a couple to have a common hobby, common interest, and/or common mission that could bind them together. With that, they will have a common plan how they can grow together and stick together.

6) Establish the same vision. Support each other's mission. Lack of individual identity is one of the most common reasons of couples who get divorce in US and other parts of the globe. That is why it is essential for a couple to talk about their diversity. Their innate skills, strengths, and calling are different from the other. Pursue your own career. Allow him to continue his work. Just make sure that it meets towards one vision for the growth of your relationship.

7) Everything is temporary on earth. Don't be too clingy with anything. Again, Monica posted on her facebook,  "He (God) gives and takes away. When we realize that we are just stewards of God's blessing, we would handle our blessings well and be able to give without reluctance. When can praise Him both in abundance and in lack. We can be content in whatever circumstance."

8) You are forgiven by Christ. Learn to forgive. I think the values of Christianity has helped us a lot. Learning the grace of God (more than theoretical) brought us to a deeper meaning of "forgiveness." It's no longer important who is right between us. The thing is I have to pass on the grace of God to my wife as the Lord forgives me all the time. It changes the way we live.

9) Enjoy God's blessings. Enjoy the journey. Don't be too serious. Try and experience new things. Go to a place where you have never been. Date. Eat. Laugh. Watch Movie. Travel as you live. Love your spouse to the fullest. Make some exciting once-in-a-lifetime experiences. Moments are the most expensive thing that money could not buy.

10) Be purposeful. Mentor and help other people - together. It glues your relationship when both of you organize community works or invite people for a dinner. Invest on relationships. Help other people. You can both learn together while you assist them achieve their highest potentials. It feeds your emotional being which could seal the purpose of your marriage. It's never about you. It's about other people. You can do great things. But together, you can do greater.


I would love to know your insights and comments about this post. You can comment below or email it to secretariat@kuyamarlon.com. - MARLON MOLMISA

KuyaMarlon.Com

KuyaMarlon.Com is an online source for leadership, inspiration, youth and real-life experiences of Marlon Molmisa. Marlon is an inspirational leadership speaker in the Philippines. He is also a writer and social entrepreneur. Use #MarlonMolmisa for your online shares. You may also share what's on your mind to secretariat@kuyamarlon.com.

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