Leadership Speaker . Author . Millennial CEO

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

I Am Leaving My Christianity.

"I am leaving my Christianity." These words silently came out from my mouth after I attended a Worship Night in Greenhills more than 6 years ago. 

Teary-eyed while riding a jeepney, heading back home. I still remember every moment of it.


These past weeks, my facebook wall was flooded by news about the two Christian front liners who are going through "deconstruction" of their faith. Or may I rephrase it to their "wilderness days?"

One is Joshua Harris, a best-selling book author of numerous Christian books. He became a rockstar in the Christian circle when he first released his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" to be followed by "Boy Meets Girl" in the early 2000s.

I remember, I was a high school freshman back then, when my friends in church (and other churches) brought a copy of their own "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" each time they attended a youth fellowship. Joshua Harris was really popular. More than the content of his book, I was even more concerned with what's circulating in my mind,"Who is Joshua Harris? What does he look like?"

A normal / not-so-bookworm person would always admire the author more than his books. I was one of them. I wanted to be Joshua Harris but never in my wildest imagination would follow his disciplines in reading and writing books.

Also those days, I encountered Marty Sampson in a small techy box called "television." All of our youth members came to our house to watch one of the first album concerts of Hillsong United, "More Than Life." It was cool. Indeed, Hillsong introduced me into a more dynamic worship experience.

It was still clear to me that Marty Sampson was my most favorite among all members of the Hillsong band. In fact, there's one worship song he wrote that made my Christian foundation even stronger.

The title is "Home." Take time to watch and listen the song below. It was Marty Sampson.

The song says...

Into Your courts I run with praises
Flowing from my heart
Every day I wake I sing Your song
It's the anthem of my life

I want to spend my days
In Your presence, Lord
Bowed before Your throne
In the house of God
Is where I find my peace
It's where I find my

Home is heaven
One day Lord, I will live
In Your courts, You'll find me
In worship at Your feet
Hide me now
In the shadow of Your wings
Where I will be
Where I will be

Your love is all I need
So desperately I have sought Your face
I know You hear my every cry
And petition that I make

Jesus, oh You are my treasure
Jesus, oh You are my treasure

This song became an anthem of my heart at some point, especially every time I question my faith. If I would talk to Marty personally, I would pour out my heart and tell him how God used him to encourage me during my "dry seasons." His songs are anointed.

Recently, Marty Sampson told through his deleted Instagram post, "I am genuinely losing my faith... and it doesn't bother me." But for me, it bothers me deeply.

When Joshua Harris and Marty Sampson came up with their recent posts about their faith, I chose not to speak. I had to be careful. I had to think what to say, far from the perspectives that I've been seeing online. 

Random comments, both love and hate, saturated my online screen about these two Christian icons as if I have to do something. I felt that there's a war happening inside of me. A moral war between "God's Holiness" and "God's Grace." A moral war between "Spiritual" and "Practical." It's like a silent battle rumbling in my soul what to believe, what to embrace, and what to do.

There's a flashback. All of my memories came back.

The pains. The wounds. The judgemental Christians. The "bones in the closet" of the pastors. The standard of the church. The sinful nature. The fall. The darkness. The shame. The mysteries. "Does God really exist?" The scream of satan. "They are righteous. You are sinful. Go, backslide." The pleasure of sin. The silence. The rebellious heart. The hopelessness. The emptiness. The suicidal thoughts. The grace. The light. The Holy Spirit. The Jesus who rescued me. 

Indeed, God is powerful than any situation that we are going through. 

Six years ago, I also thought of losing my faith, about to jump off from a cliff. That's why I feel being in the same scenario.

Confused? Yes, I used to be. The root of confusion? Hurt. Hurt from the people whom I expected to be like Jesus in my weaknesses. I felt condemned by Pharisees.

Not in my consciousness that my hurt had deeper roots: sins. Sins that I decided to hide (never told anyone) because of the culture of  "tough love" that nurtured my early spirituality. I was fearful to be judged. Until all the sins grew like a forest. It killed my spirit and started to question the existence of God.

I felt there was no God.

Until during a Worship Night, the Holy Spirit moved inside my belly and went straight to my heart in a supernatural moment. I started to cry. I was broken. He reminded me where He picked me up and where He wanted to place me - in a greater zone that I couldn't imagine. God comforted me, "Go back, my Son. There's no sin too great, there's no pain too deep in My grace and presence. I love you still."

That night, I released all the pains in my heart. I asked forgiveness. I placed all my spiritual questions into a mystery box, that I am hopeful that God would answer later on.

It took me genuine humility to trust God again.

While going back home, I uttered in my spirit, "I am leaving my old Christianity (religiosity) and start living the real faith in Christ."

Since then, I read His word more than an obligation to fulfill my daily devotion. Instead, a pleasure to search for fresh revelation every single day which would empower my intimacy with God, His promises and my life purpose. That "near-to-death" experience elevated my Christianity.

I never thought a spiritual crisis would happen to me. If there would be five main revelations to me that time, these would be the following.

1) Always fix our eyes unto Jesus alone. People will fail us but God never will.
2) He wanted us to worship Him out of passion and not by performance. Love Him out of delight, and not by duty. When we sin, it is not a failure of performance. It is a failure of our intimacy with God.
3) Serve Him beyond our external religiosity. Share Jesus beyond words. Let His works be seen through our lives. Be slow to anger, and quick to be compassionate.
4) Speak life to those who are struggling. Words are powerful. Pray that the Holy Spirit would convict their hearts and not allow the enemy condemn them.
5) God is Sovereign. He is still God whatever we do, whatever we say, whatever we believe in. God is Sovereign to our worries and personal crisis. God is God. He is powerful. He can turn the impossible situation into a miracle.
Same with the situation of Joshua Harris and Marty Sampson, I see their stories as a "rising event," getting a momentum to its "climax" where God will meet them again. I have a faith that they will come home.

In His court, we will all see each other, worship our God and share amazing stories!

For now, Let's pray. Show who is Jesus through our lives to these people. Start leaving our religiosity and start living the real Christianity. 

KuyaMarlon.Com is an online resource for leadership, inspiration, faith, and personal experiences of its main author and filipino motivational speaker Marlon Molmisa. Get to know him more: Marlon Molmisa's Facebook




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